Vagina Memoirs (part 2)

So...I wrote it. And tomorrow I start the first of four performance nights.

This is the introduction to my memoir. After it I speak to five different people, and tell them what I couldn't at the time. If you want to hear all of it, come to a performance. :)


This is my voice. This is the sound that comes out of my throat, the vibrations of my vocal folds, the shape of my mouth. These are my words.

This is my voice, this is my voice, this is my voice, this is my voice.

Sometimes I forget. Sometimes all I can remember are those two years I spent silent, those two years with my lips zippered shut, those two years when I perfected the art of the chameleon and allowed myself to become nothing but background. Those two years when the thought of calling for pizza made me shake and cry. Those two years that were the culmination of a lifetime of being told that my voice didn't matter. To suck it up. Even now, there are some days when I simply cannot bear to open my mouth and form words. There are days, and weeks, and months, when I still simply do not believe that I am worth listening to.

This is my voice.

Silence isolates. Silence separated me from the world and from myself. Eventually even my emotions became silent and still; they existed under glass like bugs skewered and labeled in a museum. I could see but could not feel. Some days, I still do not feel.

This is my voice.

I internalized the idea that avoidance of conflict was more important than being heard, and that my voice was worth less than everyone else's. I thought there had to be a balance, that there was only so much noise that one room, one relationship could take, that if someone was loud, then someone had to be quiet. And there is always someone willing to be loud.

This is my voice, and it is finally loud enough for me to say what I didn't, or couldn't.


From the introduction, maybe you can see why I'm so nervous to speak in front of 200-600 people each night this week. But the cast is great, and has been really supportive, so I guess it'll be okay.

I might take a shot before going on stage. Considering it.

I made and painted a body cast of my chest, neck, and lips as well, which will be displayed with everyone else's body casts at the performances. I have a picture on my phone, but my phone is old and sad and will not let me upload it to the internets. So...no picture yet. Maybe later. :)

I also have my presentation for my senior project on Saturday! I wrote 26 poems for "An Alphabet for the Modern Woman," and it's a collection of feminist queer poetry in English and Spanish. So this week culminates a lot for me.

Wish me luck!

- Jazz