Asterisk Contemplates Baking, Bleeding, and Life, and Doesn't Make Blood Cupcakes

I’m at work, and I’ve gotten distracted from the task at hand, as I’ve cut my finger and am bleeding a little bit.

As a chronic finger-biter, this happens roughly three times a week, if not more. Yeah, that’s bad. I know. Shut up.

Normally I don’t care if I end up in this situation, but at work it’s a bit of a problem. I can’t get blood on the documents I’m scanning.

It’s embarrassing to have to ask for a Band-Aid more than once a month, let alone more than once a week, so I’ve gotten creative. You simply take a Kleenex and a piece of tape, wrap it around the injured finger, and *tah-dah* instant bandage.

This time I stop and think for a minute, and pick up my phone in the process.

Asterisk: I wonder what would happen if you used blood to dye red velvet cupcakes. It would be gross, but I still want to know…

Tom: Salty.

Tom is here visiting for a brief period of time, of which one day unfortunately synchs up with the final work day of my most excellent employer, who is leaving the library for a new career at a rival college.

So I couldn’t take today off, because I wanted to be here for Rich's last day. That said, I did take off Monday, and Tom and I spent nearly the entire evening baking three batches of red velvet cupcakes, which I brought to work for the going-away party.

Asterisk: Oh true you’d have to leave out salt completely.

Tom: Is this what you’re doing instead of working?

Asterisk: NO.

Cupcakes make the worst passengers in a car. I had to cut across a five lane street at about 10 miles an hour, and thought I was going to die. To make matters worse, despite my insanely careful driving and taking corners at pathetically low speeds, I still ended up with cream cheese icing all over my upholstery …and in my purse somehow. What?

Tom: Now I’m intrigued. Blood stains, but I’m not sure it dyes.

Asterisk: Oh, wait. Blood pudding is black. So I bet the cupcakes would turn a really gross dark red.

Tom: Yeah. Even if the batter was red, I bet baking it would change that.

Asterisk: Blood darkens as it dries. You’re right…

On the bright side, the cupcakes were a real hit at work, and I’m now oh-so popular. Or, more popular, seeing how I’m still a crowd pleaser from the time when I brought in green beans.

I’ve definitely discovered the secret to being liked:

I BRING YOU FOOD! LOVE ME!

In fact, I’m starting to think that this brilliant strategy is guaranteed to work every time. How do you think I got a boyfriend in the first place?*

*I just showed up at his apartment with brownies a couple times. His roommates highly encouraged this.

Asterisk: We’re disgusting. No one should have that discussion.

Tom: Mostly you for thinking of it.

Asterisk: Aw man.

While they’re a pain in the ass to transport to and from school, the cupcakes are delicious, not made with blood (thank god), and I have a few lovely, red leftovers at home. When I eat them, I will probably do it with a fork.

That's not weird. I don't care what Tumblr says.
~Asterisk.