Asterisk's Valiant Quest Against the Sink Drain

Alright, so for the very first post of the new blog year I use my free pass for not posting on time, but it’s been a rough week. That said, I can’t completely ignore Girl Meets Worm just because it’s inconvenient, so, moving forward:

Still at loss for what to write, I’ve decided to tell the harrowing tale of how I cleaned out the sink drain this morning.

In Which Our Heroine Faces A Soggy Evil

The radio clock on the bookshelf by the bed is set to 7:20 am, a cruel and unforgiving time, when the morning sun is too sharp, the air is too cold, and even a hard, unyielding, low-cost IKEA mattress is more welcoming than the new day. Our heroine is mercilessly awakened by the uncouth and god-awful call of Katy Perry blasting out of Portland’s Party Hits, the only radio station the demonic little clock is capable of picking up. Our heroine’s right hand hovers over the clock, forcing her sleep-addled brain to recall which button is “snooze” and which is “off.”

[Alarm clock: 1 damage for disrupted sleep.]

Mistaking one for the other cannot be done again—“there was a power outage and my alarm didn’t go off” is an excuse that can only be used so many times. “Snooze” is properly selected, and our heroine flops uselessly back into the pillow, half asleep and half dreading the return of the alarm in ten minutes.

[Alarm clock temporarily defeated.]

Moments later, the unforgiving clock blares out yet another wretched Top-40 hit (the good ones never play in the morning, and if they did, they’d be hated as well), and disheveled and dreary, our heroine crawls out of the bed and snatches the old green flannel shirt off of the floor—it’s softness and warmth are the only comfort in the morning.

 [Shirt: +2 defense against cold.]

After brushing her teeth in a dead-to-the-world trance, and drooling copiously on herself in the process, our heroine dresses and attempts to prepare for the day. This involves wriggling into a pair of jeans, the noble quest for the correct shirt, and poking herself in the eye with eyeliner.

[Quest completed: +5 “fashion decisions” experience.]

[Battle with Eyeliner: 3 damage for eye injury.]

Following this, our heroine makes her way downstairs to make a toaster waffle and pack lunch.

Unfortunately, upon entering the cave- like kitchen of her tiny apartment, our heroine discovers that a horrible monster has ensnarled itself in the small strainer that keeps unusable castoffs from clogging the delicate pipes of the sink.

[Strainer: +3 sink protection.]

The monster is a repulsive sludge that bears resemblance to old vegetable matter and soggy bread crumbs collected the dishes of both our heroine and her roommate of the same name. Had this been our heroine’s former dwelling, she could simply have forced the monster down the sink and run the enchanted garbage disposal, but no, this is a different living area.

[Garbage disposal: +10 against gross things. +4 if malfunctioning.]

Instead, our heroine must deal with the vulgar filth herself. Valiantly wielding a fork, she picks up the strainer by its tiny, nearly useless handle, takes it to the garbage, flips it upside down, and scrapes the monster into the trash.

[Fork and garbage: +3 against gross things.]

Monster defeated, our heroine places the strainer back into the sink, and attempts to rescue the toaster waffle she had forgotten about from the evils of the over-active toaster.

[Battle completed: +10 “living on your own” experience.]

[Toaster: 5 damage to waffle.]