Cosmopolitan magazine is a fun topic.
See, it starts out looking like one of those harmless, fluffy magazines that’s full of pretty pictures and makeup ads, meant to attract women at the supermarket counter, and that can’t possibly influence anybody.
But unlike celebrity gossip magazines, Cosmo contains an awful lot of articles.
Self improvement articles.
These things, although often poorly written and under researched, are a potential catalyst to trigger the terrifying underlying crazy that is ever present in many typical, young, American females: self loathing.
And, unsurprisingly, these words also work as a catalyst to trigger the outrage and scorn of other typical, young, American females, those who got over the self loathing after high school, and have focused all of that hatred on those who created the self loathing.
See, here’s a list of the first thing you’ll notice when reading Cosmo:
-You could be cuter… buy these products!
-You could be cuter…lose weight, you slob.
-This is a list of people who are classier, prettier, richer, and who get more action than you.
And then…
-If you have a boyfriend, he is cheating on you—for serious, here’s how we know.
-That said, it is all your fault; you’re probably bad in bed.
*Or:
-If you don’t have a boyfriend, it’s your fault. Try harder. You’re incomplete without a man.
So, naturally, you can already imagine the typical insecure young female suddenly trapped in a box where she’s ugly, and no one will ever love her.
And, so naturally, the intelligent, self-aware, educated female would be horrifyingly offended, and scoff angrily at the ridiculousness that is this magazine.
After all, it’s clearly anti-woman.
For one, why else would anyone ever suggest that if a man cheats on you it’s your fault? And who says that you can’t be pretty without 45 minutes of hair preparation in the morning? Who are you to tell us what we can and can’t wear to bed? And jesuschristpeople, $500 for a pair of ass-flattering jeans?! How stupid do you think we are? Oh, and now any complaints about anything are blamed on PMS? Reeeal mature.
A second look at Cosmo, however, shows that it’s not just anti-woman. It’s anti-everybody.
While women are either backstabbing bitches who are only here to prey on the men and/or possessions of others, or the fat, insecure, lousy-in-the-sack readers of the magazine, men are big, stupid, ball-scratching Neanderthals who just run around the planet humping you and your friends. Cheating? What? Never. It’s called “exploring one’s options,” and it’s coded into their DNA, so they’re not aware of what they’re doing. See, men don’t have emotions, so they can’t connect with you on the levels that you want to connect on.
Don’t worry, though. With the following 75 sex tips, you can connect with your man in a way that he’ll understand.
Uh…what?
Basically what it boils down to is that the editors of Cosmo are either god-awful, people hating harpies, or the whole thing is kind of a satire.
Which brings me to my main point:
Cosmopolitan magazine, taken with a grain of salt, is friggin’ hilarious.
-It’s surprisingly funny to read about all the reasons your idiot, ball-scratching, Neanderthal boyfriend with no emotions could be cheating on you.
-Some of the “do-this-in-bed” suggestions are hilarious. Especially the ones that result in this sort of rebuttal:
-Confessions, horoscope, and the ridiculous quizzes are great for reading out loud when you’re sitting around with your friends waiting for decent socializing hours to start.
-And deep down, it’s nice to know that you don’t have to listen to word of that bullshit.
If nothing else, it at least offers a little validation for a bruised lady-ego. No matter how ugly, awkward, weird, or lonely you feel (because admit it, everybody experiences low days), remembering what a bunch of garbage Cosmo is can remind you that at least you’re not stupid.
The best part of Cosmo, though? The mistakes.
My personal favorite is from the issue with Julia Stiles on the cover. Uh… December 2010, I think?
*I came across this one last week, as my roommate’s former roommate left a couple back issues on the book case probably for the very reasons described above—entertainment value.
One of the editors had this theory that looking at certain pictures can influence your mood, and therefore allow you to control your body through visuals or something. That nonsense aside, one of the images is almost identical to this one:
Followed by the caption: “Looking at these cute meerkats will make you happy.”
Cosmopolitan Magazine, my apologies, but those are ground squirrels.
Until next time,
~Asterisk
Cosmo knows nothing.
ReplyDeleteI look fucking AMAZING in the morning without doing a damned thing.
Loved the Cracked article. :)
Fuckin' ground squirrels are adorable!
ReplyDeleteAnd are easily distinguishable from meerkats.