The Dangers of Unobtrusiveness

I've realized more and more, as I've grown older, that at some point I was conditioned not to show emotion unless it was positive. Even then, not exuberantly. It's not that my mother ever told me not to cry or yell. I think, like most things, it was a combination of societal and familial factors.

Or, more accurately, a combination of, "No one wants to see that," and "Be tough," and "What good are you doing?" As a young girl, I saw that strong emotions lead to conflict (not, perhaps more accurately, that strong emotions are the natural result of conflict). I also saw that, as a girl, if I wanted to be taken seriously, I had to get rid of the "girly" things about me. I butched up and started viewing emotion with derision. And finally, I saw that crying didn't get you anywhere; it certainly didn't get me the things I wanted, even if it worked for other people, and mostly just made everyone else upset that they now had to deal with a crying girl (how typical).

I adopted a motto: Keep your head down and soldier on.

This, as an adolescent and adult, lead me to being a doormat. Because I never let myself get mad or upset by things (and if I did, those emotions were invalidated), I ended up feeling like I had no right to be upset by anything someone else did. People were going to do what they were going to do, it was going to impact my life, and I just had to deal with it.

Thing is, you don't have to deal with it.

Girls are conditioned to be "nice." This means not making a fuss, or inconveniencing anyone else. This is the reason I still climb onto the counter to reach the high shelves instead of asking my (much taller) girlfriend for help.

Nearly every girl I know swallows her anger and her hurt to some degree, but this can lead to some pretty unpleasant places. Eventually, all of that bottled-up hurt and anger becomes bitterness. It impedes relationships and makes it so that you can't get over slights. If you aren't mad when it happens, if you don't cry then, you'll end up crying much later, when you can't do anything about the situation anymore, or you'll never cry, and hold that pain forever. And that's no fun.

At one point, I got dropped during a swing dancing move, and hit my tailbone and the back of my head very, very hard on a wood floor. It hurt, probably the most I've ever felt, but I lied and said it wasn't that bad, first to the club leader so that I wouldn't feel stupid for trying the move, then to my girlfriend so she wouldn't feel bad. Turns out, I had a concussion, and I didn't get treated properly for it because I toughed it out, because I didn't want someone else to feel bad. I could have slipped into a coma while I slept because I didn't want to sound like I was complaining. And that's just stupid.

So, my vote is for showing emotion. If you're happy, be happy. Smile, laugh, be goofy. If you're pissed about something, express it. Maybe not by shouting, because that tends not to foster good conversation, but by communicating why you're upset. And if you're sad, throw on some Death Cab and have a good cry. It's cathartic, and you'll feel better for not holding it in.

There's no shame in having emotions, and you have the right to express them.

-- Jazz